I remember most of my previous Ramadan being filled with anxiety. How will I be able to survive this day? How will I be able to complete this work while fasting? Can I take care of a baby if I fast? The anxiety-induced thoughts went on. And when Ramadan ended, I heaved a secret sigh of relief. No more hunger, I thought. And I wondered how it felt when I read of people's expression of sadness to see Ramadan go.
But Allah is Kind and All-Knowing. He teaches us lessons in all their right times in ways He knows best for us. I begged to understand the meaning of Ramadan more and more each year, and alhamdulillah, this year, albeit still with tinges of anxiety in between some of my chores, I also found a kind of beauty I never felt before. And I'm reluctant to say goodbye to Ramadan tonight.
This month has been one of the most beautiful I've known. It is the first one that I try to search for the Night of Power, Laylatul Qadr. The amazing thing is, my awareness towards this powerful night was actually made stronger after reading to my toddler a children's book about Ramadan. Such is Allah's power when sending us the lessons He intends.
Being the first time that I try to catch this blessed night, I admit that there are truckloads that I still do not know. I searched for knowledge in all the places that I could. What does this night mean, what do I do, how do I make the best of this night, how do I know if it is the night, and so on. And I am still learning.
I failed to wake up every single night of the last ten nights of Ramadan, but tried my best to be up on the odd-numbered nights. I don't know if I really made use of all of them, Wallahu a'lam, but inshaaAllah I believe they all consisted of efforts to try to be better.
Each time I woke up though, I failed to complete what I was doing, as my toddler would wake up midway, crying for me to be back in bed next to her. And each time I persevered and told myself that I'd try again the night after the next.
And then came the 27th night. I believed and hoped so much that this would be the night of silence where I spent it all in peace, in tears, and in a conversation with Allah swt. I tiptoed my way out of my bedroom and reassured myself that my toddler was fast asleep as I took another glance at