I’m still out of words over the very idea that you’re not here with us anymore. Probably the same way I was never really big with words in our conversations and in our own peculiar ways of expressing our love.
You had an admirable, dominant tone in your voice. Our family gatherings weren’t complete without you. I secretly admired the way everyone showed respect towards you. You made me giggle - all the time. You were generous. No, you were extremely, massively generous. You played a huge part in every big event of our lives.
I remember when I was in my third year in Sydney, the doctor told me I had anemia, you called asking me to find and eat spaghetti bolognese because it was my favourite and the meat would help with my condition. And God knows how many times in other occasions you helped me throughout my time studying abroad.
I broke down yesterday during your funeral as I saw the soil slowly tumbling, dust by dust, into your last abode. So did Mama, next to me. We held each other’s hands tight, both Mama and I, in front on you. And at that very moment, my head started playing some of the most beautiful small moments we had. Like the time the three of us had roti canai near our place. And the time you were with us at the airport cafe, making me giggle as always, before I flew off to Sydney. And the many meals we had together at the Golf Club.
God knows how much I wanted to spend time with you too the past weeks at the hospital. I was heartbroken I couldn’t with all the sicknesses I had from the horrible suppressed immune system of a pregnant lady. But I whispered your name in each & every one of my prayers. And I guess Allah did answer my prayer - you are no longer in pain now.
When everyone had left yesterday, I came back & stood in front of your grave. It was beautifully peaceful, I probably could hear the directions the trees were swaying. And the birds started chirping somewhat harmoniously. I was still not big with words. But that very moment, that must have been the most beautiful conversation I had with you.
Rest well now, Tok. May our family all reunite in Jannah one day. And for that, you make me want to become a better muslimah. Thank you.
I’m not so good with distance, partings or any sort of change at all, for that matter.
But I’ve learned that when a certain change happens, it’s not the only thing that changes. If a certain change isn’t one that we fancy, something else also changes that develops us, enriches us or strengthens us somehow, someway.
Changing to a new school for example, may mean goodbyes and partings to familiar surroundings. But it also means discovery of new corners and favourite hideouts, the makings of new friendships, the discovery of that inner strength we never knew we had.
The loss of a loved one must be the hardest test of all. No words said here nor even those in the best self-help books will ever compare to what it really is like. But God willing, other beautiful changes seep through over time - our relationship with God, our dependency on Him, the discovery of all our loved ones who would always be there for us.
And then there are sicknesses, change of routines, moving to the next phase of life, job losses, and everything else in between. None too trivial as long as we embrace the other changes that occur along with them - the ones that develop, enrich and strengthen us.
I’m not so good with distance. But I sure embrace something else that changes - my love for you; it grows.
A while ago, when I was sick and didn’t seem to get better over the weeks - and then months - I remember slowly losing hope over the idea of feeling okay again. It strangely reminded me of how in Disney movies, a Princess would be presented with a spell to break and how it’d take her multiple tries before finally finding the answer to break that spell.
It took Elsa some time to find out that love was the answer to regain control of her ice powers. It took Moana some time to discover that kindness was the way to get to Te Ka who in turn transformed back to Te Fiti.
These references to Disney scenes may come about from me spending too much time with a toddler, but if you think about it, we really ARE the star in our own Disney movies. The tests we are presented with in this life are OUR spells to break.
One of the feelings that started to consume me over the weeks of sickness in bed was loneliness. Even on some alternate days when I was slightly better and slowly able to get up to do some of what I thought were daily mundane tasks, I felt lonely. The feeling crept into me even when I was with my daughter and husband, and I started wondering why.
And then there was one night when I had also regained some physical energy, I felt this strange beautiful feeling while praying with my husband and our daughter. I listened to my husband’s strong and beautiful recitation, and realized that it was probably the first time in quite a while that I felt focused and very much into my prayers. And it felt beautiful to be with my family that way. I felt whole. I had forgotten the loneliness I felt earlier.
I could say that being with my family was the answer to breaking the ‘spell’ I so wanted to break. Or precisely, being with my family working towards Allah. See, I wasn’t really sure of the exact answer. And then I remembered how over the weeks of sickness, I was slacking horribly in my prayers, initially because of my weakening physical state (at least that’s what I told myself). But over time, that slacking-off slowly affected my heart, causing a form of laziness to pray, even when I was slowly getting better physically.
And then so easily, THE answer came to me. ALLAH. I need Allah.
While Disney movies would centre over one particular spell that a heroine needs to break (and understandably so, the story lasts for 90 minutes), we on the other hand will be presented with multiple tests over our period of life here, before we return to our Creator and inshaaAllah get to “happily ever after”. And come what may, no matter what our tests will be, the answer is always easily Allah.
And I am so grateful (again, to Allah) for sending me my husband, my family, to always help me return back to Him, inshaaAllah. I pray we will all (yes, ALL of us, including you readers) will always be there to remind and help each other, inshaaAllah.
